I was lost, where were you?
Here, this place, total unfamiliar. Tell me, where was I. People walked by. They looked different. But, I started to feel that I'm one of them, already.
Still confused about your leaving. What for? why? I thought that we're getting on really well.
You're so special. I've never met someone like you. You totally brightens my day. You're so warm and so sweet. You have no troubles. Even that your wound was so deep, you never cry. Even that your wound was aggravating, you never moan. Like a happy kid, you carry on really well. And your wound healed. I'm so glad that I was the one who helps you to wrap up your wound, the one who helps you to stand up in spite of the agony. But...
Why?
Wandering in the crowd, hoping that I'll find you. Here, I saw stories, happenings. Not pleasant stories. Someone break down hysterically. Crying, getting drunk, why were them like this?
"Ouch! Don't you see me?" She knocked me and ran pass me.
I fell down. What? Nobody cares?
I bleed, on my knees,both. Bruises on my head and my elbow. I just need you now. But I knew you've gone far, so far that I can't feel your warmth anymore. I almost cry, almost.
I stood up slowly, trying to stand still. Hoping that someone will come to help me, I eyed left and right.
Oh, that girl, the one that knocked me. She was almost perfect with her long hair and elegant looking. Like an angle, I would say. She was blushed, standing beside you. You.
This hurts, wound, bruises and my heart. How should I carry on like this. It's getting crazier and ridiculous.
And I can't believe what I did was just standing at my position, completely still, not intending to ask you why. I must be childish if I ask so. I sneered.
Walking to the side of the street, I sat down. Still watching those sad stories going on. Mine was better, at least better. Don't be sad, I told myself. I'm definitely not going to stay at here.
I am going to heal. Yes, I will.
* * *
"It hurts, a lot."
"I know, sorry."
That's what you said. That was just what you said. I can bear my tears anymore so I ran away. Away from where you can see, away from where you can feel my tears and my pain.
* * *
I was wandering on the street, for no reason. Perhaps to make myself sober. And perhaps to rearrange my emotions.
"I think you need to have a rest." His eyes were so sincere that I can't bear my feelings anymore, after what had happened. "Everything has come to an end. Let's get away." I seemed to be hugging him but my heart pulled me back. It's not the right time yet.
"I'm just tired, let me have some rest."
We kept silent. For a long time maybe, or a few seconds. And I realized that my eyes were welling up. I didn't know why.
"Yes, maybe you just need... rest." He carefully pronounced it, like learning a new word. "Let me get you home. It's getting darker." I nodded.
I forget when I started to cry restlessly in my toilet each every night. My eyes hurt so bad. For the same reason, like a nightmare, like a hurricane devastating my peace world. And my heart crumbled into more and more fragments every single crying. I almost lost my soul, I almost suicide. I didn't feel like there's any reason for me to carry on anymore. Even the night was still pretty like the night we met, if you remember. I can't heal. Your shadow hurts me a lot. The image of her hugging you is still absolute. I can't go shattered anymore because I'm in too many pieces. Your pictures keep appearing everywhere although I tried to hide. Social sites and stuff. I'm in agony seeing those pictures. Like a graphical nightmare which looked so nice in colour and lightning but not you and her. I'm exhausted of all this.
I wish I could explain to him that I'm not that tired, just that picking up those pieces alone is a huge work to be done. And I wondered if he would... If he would pick up with me, right beside me.
But, it's happening too fast that I doubted my feeling. Is he real? And, are those feeling real? Or I doubted too much?
* * *
He confessed.
I was so stunned. It's not the right time yet. Again, I don't want to fall in love this easy anymore. I don't want to repeat the past. I don't want to dream the same damn nightmare anymore.
But all those caring made me felt warmer than ever. He's not boiling hot as you do, but he's warm at least. Warm enough to made my cold wobbling hand calm down, warm enough to heal a big part of my wound, warm enough to get me rid of nightmare.
I didn't know why I was struggling with my true feelings. He was so real. I was contradicting myself.
What if, I fall down? What if, I got bruises? What if, I am ruined again? What if, I get restless crying again?
Do I need to doubt?
* * *
It's been months. I guess I've healed.
Even he had done a lot, but it's not the right time yet. Not that I'm just healed, is that I'm not prepared. And I dare not prepare myself. I'm too fragile to be broken again.
Meanwhile, I think of a lot of things that I never try to even take a peek at it. Even my heart cringes every time I saw you, but, it's not same like how it cringe last time. I'm full of fear. But at least, I think, I'm carry on right now, and perhaps my life is more colourful.
Sorry and good-bye is not the hardest word to say anymore but hi. A simple greet. The awkward falls between the two alphabets seems sea deep. How can we even find it so hard to say and I used to know you so well? And I try to forget how I used to be so excited during our dates, and those caramel hot chocolate that you and I shared together, and those path we'd taken, and everything between us.
And that's what will stream down the memory lane.
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