new leaf

everyone who appears in my life.
every steps they left on my path.
every obstacles given.
every helps given.

but sometimes i just doubt, do any of these make me grow? i still hate whoever is annoying, i still fall in love easily, i still do whatever i should not do. i can't quite learn from the past eh.

because of this one person who i hate more than expected, i ask myself, why can't i put all this hatred down? which part of this person gained so much hatred from me? why can't i let go and let this person leave in the world this person should be in. which apparently i can't really join, and sincerely, i don't want to join. this person won't stop giving comments in inappropriate time. this person won't stop babbling like there's no tomorrow.

because of this one person who i love more than expected, more than how it was originally planned, i'm lost. i'm dragged by everything this person did. and i get furious, quite all the time, when this person spending time on other person. it's okay to be with other people, but ignoring me at the same time is a big no. especially be with the one. i get more and more lonely seeing your shadow fading and i don't even try to do anything. i got so many things to tell , but it's all about you. how can i start this topic i don't know.

i still can't really take what people said. everything is so anti-parallel to mine. and i believe the way i'm taking is right, just that no one's beside me. maybe i will meet them in the future or somehow.

i'm still socially-awkward. so socially awkward i don't even. i can't really talk to people. i'm afraid of phone calls, i'm afraid of socializing, i'm afraid when i'm alone and everyone around has their own partner and friends. i don't even want to talk more than normal people can. i just want to observe and be in my comfort zone. i just don't want to explore more and fall and get bruise and cry in lonely nights.

i still can't deal with friends. this very one friend. i don't know what happened. i know she do have some problems with one of my good friend but i didn't interrupt in that matter. i don't even exactly know what happen. i don't even give any comments. but somehow, i was like.. abandoned? this word? she is no longer the she.
i do become more and more quiet recently because i really have a lot of mental issues to deal with and i just don't want to talk. is it because of this reason? i don't know. i used to have a lot of things i want to tell her, but it seems like these things need to be forgotten eh.

there's too much things i want to pull back to how it was. but nothing happen. except for the old me, who is strong enough to survive until now no matter how hard i shake her away.

i wish i was considerate, soft, cool in dealing things.
i wish i can smile more, be less awkward, change.

gates around that i've built for myself, all the obstacles i made for myself. i can only live in this small place left and seeing all these thorns growing into my bone. then i started to cry, then i started to give up, then i started to die.