full blast

have u ever been so frustrated that all your anger pooled at your throat that it hurts?
that it almost explode yet you can't really let go of everything.
that you need to control.
taking everything into measurement.
yet you're not fully in control and strayed quite far?

nothing to blame.
i must find nothing to blame but myself.
that i always can't hold my anger and everything fucked up miserably.

music helps, but to some extend, it worsens the pain, vents up the anger more.

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as i put music at full blast,
stuffing earphones into my ear, as tight as they can,
the world has already disappeared in a puff of smoke.
then i can fully immerse myself in my own world,
even if i've never came out of it.

this period of time.
just want to laugh at the meaning of growing up.
and we all end up acting like children
quarreling like children.

run away.

really free. away from everything.

phone shuts, internet disconnects, and off.

will i be really out of control to the extent that no one could help?
but hurting myself more and more.
more.
the pain.
the itch.
just a way to let go.
wound or whatever, another way to let go.

not, really.
i'm still angry at every little thing.

this blank paper of mine,
is vandalised.
to a level i can't clean up even for an inch.

too much.

don't really can be fixed.
in anyway.
or maybe i still can't find a way.

but to turn on the music,
trash metal, any sort,
to full blast.

exploding everything inside.
throwing everything.
watch them shatter and break.
as broken as me.
not like i can do all this in real life either.

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run away.

i guess this 7 days were just a way for me to run away.
that's why i like train more.
nothing connected to anyone at all, just music and me, at full blast.