My heart is just fist-big, please...

I'm gonna explode in

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Phew... If killing is legal, I'll be the most cruel one. No doubt, I harbour too many secrets that no one exist in the world would know. It's so suffering to keep them in mind yet so embarrassed and  furious to tell. I can't bear anymore. My heart is just as big as my fist. And those secret is too big a lump that you can't just shake it away. And too heavy as a secret.

I thought reading Eat Pray Love will make me more open minded to my miserable yet adorable life. But I do not. Why am I getting angry when I shouldn't? Why I shouted?

Why the reason that I'm still gasping oxygen is just study? There's nothing left behind this soulless body besides hatred. How can I let go when I myself wouldn't allow?

Let go. Just let go.

I realise the cruelty of growing up is no longer relationship or whatsoever but you yourself. This is like 825708478969348 times more suffering than knowing your boyf cheated on you. I'm struggling to survive because.... Uhhh... I can't give a reason but I know I must survive.

It's so contradict that I think I'm mature inside but I acted my maturity so childish that I feel that die would be the best way to solve all this. I need to restart, I don't want me myself, I don't want this body, this life, whatsoever...

---- the pathetic moment that you start to investigate your own mind and find it's so ugly
---- the pathetic moment that you have no one to love
---- the pathetic moment that you have lost your faith for your religion
---- the pathetic moment that you have no one lean on besides your hard pillow
---- the pathetic moment that you are crying alone
---- the pathetic moment that you realise you are still alive

I give up. Let this game over, please.

And I end up crying hysterically......