Mixed emotions

Too many things running through my mind right now. 

Nervous, happy, singing, touched. (self talk: Err... singing is not an emotion...)

Worried, crying, heart cramp.

My heart cramp cramp cramp and cramp. That feeling, you know, when you saw your akhem-special-someone? That heart-dropped-down feeling? Yeah, it occurs every minute that I feel like it's gonna malfunction.

a. Serious

b. Not serious

That's only two choice. Something is really happening, it's just how severe it'll be.

That's how the heart feel pain, physically, it's torturing but I'm too nervous to control.

* yes, I'm a bitch. I didn't finish Lower Six's Bio on time.

* I'm a bitch because my PA left unfinished and drenched with my tears.

* oh-my classmates, so I have the necessary to bring camera tomorrow? 

* I'm going to suffocate if my heart continue cramping like this. 

Get myself prepared

Coffee, checked.
Highlighter, T~T almost out of ink.
Books, obviously checked.
Mood, err... checked???
Friend to study with, checked.

Okay, I'm quite prepared.

Gotta be in sleepless mode again, caffeine poisoning again! I'm not very very nervous, just wanna try my best.. err maybe half of my best, to see how good I can do in exam. Anyway, it's just exam, not life. I got "life", not only exam and live my life with no life.

You said that we're on this planet for too short a time. And the end of the day, what's more important? Knowing that a few meaningless figures balanced -- or known that you were the person you wanted to be?

- Shopaholic

It's not like you know everything in the text books and you win, 

it's not like you do all your homework and you win,

it's not like you own the latest sport car and you win,

it's not like you live in 3-storey and you win.

Yes, this year is very important, the deciding year whether you are going to get a place in uni or not. But what's the point studying so hard and you forget about enjoying your life? And as I said, last year. The last year in secondary school, last year to put on uniform. Why can't they take part? Why can't they be more lively?

Yes, after all, it's still them, I can't change a thing. Maybe I look like the type who don't study and always be online, but at least I'm worthy to my life. I just want to be happier.

I don't want to be forever alone, so I guess I'll just study hard and do my homework. Weird I know, but what's the point asking them to do things they don't like and accidentally don't like you? Sit and silence. Tsk.

--------------------------------------------------

It might be serious, it might be not.

I looked all normal, what's really happening?

Could it be serious because I see no symptoms?

Could it be small case because I'm still energetic?

I must be prepared to receive whatever news it is. But my tear gland is too weak to control itself. 

The biggest fear is to know nothing. I'm in fear.

What type of disease can last more than a month and I looked so normal?

What type of disease can be detected through blood test? (a lot I know)

What type of disease can be delayed more than a month without giving me proper treatment?

What type of disease make me so worried and depressed?

I'm not writing this for sympathy, I'm just worried.

I'm not telling this for sympathy, I want to share or I'll explode.

I'm not exaggerating for sympathy, I'm in hysteric.

Uhhhh..... Why??????????

*tonight's goal: finish lower six's PA no matter how late I stay up to.

*tomorrow's goal: finish up lower six's Bio or I'm a bitch.

Insuppressible

Not that I want to cry, but tears are insuppressible.

Referring me to clinic. It's not some flu or fever stuff. I'm just worried...

My heart dropped when the person said I need to get check up again...

Due to being late, I need to go again on next Tuesday.

My nerves tighten. What should I do?

I can't be anymore positive, I'm totally depressed.

I just hope that it's not chronic and/or fatal...




***A picture of the day, just to remind myself I still have others other than them.

Gotta be okay.

Hold the tears, gotta be okay.
Hold the breath, gotta be okay.

Gotta be okay no matter how not okay it is.

Because not everything will pay back.

I want to do it again

I just want to elaborate more. This is quite long and more accurate than yesterdays' on facebook.

FULL NAME: Bavriel Josephine Chow Mei Mei
AGE: 19
BIRTH DATE: 11111992
PRESENT ADDRESS: Your heart

WHAT WAS YOUR:
1. Last beverage: 3 in 1 coffee again
2. Last phone call: Still Xueh Ying since my phone is kinda like my mp3 instead of phone.
3. Last text message: JinYing
4. Last song you listened to: Sze Meing's blog song
5. Last time you cried: Yesterday. but that was a small case really, I'm just frustrated. The really "last time I creid" will be last Wednesday? I really don't know what else can I do other than crying. And luckily I spoke to someone that I won't feel so burden anymore.

HAVE YOU EVER:
6. Dated someone twice: I assume date to be a romantic outing with someone you love. I do have outing with someone I love but those outing were never romantic. So I guess I wasn't dating them even though I wish I was.
7. Been cheated on: By friends, yes. By someone I love, erm, I suppose this is a "yes" too.
8. Kissed someone & regretted it: When I was 4 or 5 I kissed on a guy which is my cousin's son who is at the same age with me. YES I REGRET FOR GIVING OUT MY UNOFFICIAL FIRST KISS LIKE THIS. I won't count this as my first kiss because... idek. Let's assume that's a PRE-first kiss.
9. Lost someone special: Papa, Jackie, friends.
10. Been depressed: If you read my blog.
11. Been drunk & threw up: Never been drunk. I don't like alcohol anyway.

LIST 3 FAVOURITE COLOURS:
Purple, Red, Black

LAST YEAR (2010), HAVE YOU:
15. Made a new friend: Not only "a" but many.
16. Fallen out of love: Yup and I wish I never fall in so easily again and I did. =)
17. Laughed until you cried: maybe? idk. I seldom laughed until cry.
18. Met someone who changed you : I don't need "someone". But seriously, if it wasn't the people around being so "demanding", I won't be changing right? But I became more mature and stronger.
19. Found out who your true friends are: I always doubted this. What true friends really are? I really treat them as my true friends but ya never know what they think. However, aside of "them" I did find my true friend, not last year but this year, if I wasn't being ignored and 敷衍.
20. Found out that someone was talking about you: I'm very very sensitive in this and I always found out and get hurt and continue found out more and seriously butt hurt doing so. But I just can't resist. At least if I know what they're thinking, I can leave them and live my life, painfully, while they can have their's happily without me.
21. Kissed anyone on your FB friend's list: Nope.

GENERAL:
22. How many people on your FB friends list do you know in real life: I know almost everyone of them in real life but we're not really friends.
23. Do you have any pets: Jackie,some hamster, dog: Rocky, Lucky, (and one I forgot his name), cats and kittens, fishes, tortoise, more than 20 hamster (they keep reproducing), rabbits which always bite me, NICKY! (a really really tiny loach and yes I named my loach),
24. Do you want to change your name: Can I add Bavriel Josephine in front of Chow Mei Mei in my IC?
25. What did you do for your last birthday: Wishing someone will really remember it and hid my birthday on facebook and waited for 有心人 to wish me. Then as usual eat some chinese-birthday-must-eat food by my mom.
26. What time did you wake up today: 0540 and regret for waking up so late because I should be doing my Math on 0500 as planned.
27. What were you doing at midnight last night: online and doing this same tag.
28. Name something you CANNOT wait for: seriously a boyf LOL. I longed for the feeling of being protected by a guy since I never had before because Papa left when I was still practising how to hug him and hug by him.
29. Last time you saw your mother: half an hour ago. Oh, where she went? *looking around*
30. What is 1 thing you wish you could change about your life: I just want to restart, save Papa, get myself well organised and what not. Sometimes I just wish that the check-up result be at it's worst and I died, officially, without suiciding.
31. What are you listening to right now: Dr. Feel Good instrumental. This is a very addictive song!
32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: Nope.
33. What's getting on your nerves right now: Check-up result. Being fat.
34. Most visited web page: facebook, tumblr, blogger, google translate
35. Nickname(s): mui mui, a-bii, ah mei
36. Relationship status: forever alone, single, unwanted, ignored, neglected, pathetic.
37. Zodiac sign: Scorpio. I'm a very very typical Scorpio. I have most of the Scorpio's characteristic.
38. Male or female: Female but I wish I was a male, at least I won't have to have period and I can have nice abs and love handle.
39. Elementary: Phor Tay Primary, Kong Min 2nd Branch Primary.
40. High school: Phor Tay High School.
41. College: Penang Chinese Girls' High School. I always mixed up the apostrophes (YES I SPELLED APOSTROPHE CORRECTLY!)
42. Hair colour: Black. (waiting list: blonde, dark brown)
43. Long or short: Short.
44. Height: 162. I want to be higher. 165 is good!
45. Do you have a crush on someone: Now? Nope. I won't allow myself from having crush so easily and childishly anymore. However, I do stalk on people. You know, some sort of stalker/pedophile/pervert job. Most of the victims are some underage girls. That isn't crush but mere liking.
46. What do you like about yourself: I finally grow up, my eyes and lashes, persistence on slimming, stalking ability.
47. Piercings: One on each ear. I want to get more.
48. Tattoos: Nope but I will soon get one since sis said that she want to get tattoo after her pregnancy, I might be getting one along maybe on my neck or some where chio.
49. Righty or lefty: Righty.

FIRSTS:
50. First surgery: Nope
51. First piercing: Ear, 5 or 6 at Johor.
52. First best friend: Loh Lai Im, my kindergarten best friend, my Hokkien teacher.
53. First sport you joined: I never have the sport gene but I joined track and field when I was 9 for god-know-why.
54. First pair of trainers: pair? Maybe that pair I met on that Langkawi Adventure Camp.
55. First vacation: Singapore or Penang? But I consider that forthcoming Bangkok trip to be my first vacation since this is the furthest I ever go.

RIGHT NOW:
56. Eating: Nope. fyi, I didn't eat for the whole day but I accidentally ate some vegetarian food just now...
57. Drinking: Just finish my 3 in 1 coffee.
58. I'm about to: make myself a cup of tea.
59. Listening to: 外婆 by 周杰伦
60. Waiting for: me to offline and start my revision

YOUR FUTURE:
61. Want kids: Yes! A boy and a girl. Boy be big brother and girl be protected little sister. The dream of someone without a big brother.
62. Get married: Yes! I want a soul mate who knows me really well and living in the "same world" as mine.
63. Career: traveler, author (maybe), translator, tour guide, can I be a dancer though I dance really really bad?

WHICH IS BETTER:
64. Lips or eyes: Eyes. My eyes are pretty! Can I have my eyes all over my body? LOL!
65. Hugs or kisses: Hugs. I like to be surrounded by body temperature. *not sweat
66. Shorter or taller: Taller, like I said 165 is good.
67. Younger or older: Older.
68. Romantic or spontaneous: Spontaneously romantic. I am greedy.
69. Nice stomach or nice arms: Nice stomach would be the organ you mean? LOL. I want nice abs.
70. Sensitive or loud: I am both but I don't like it.
71. Hook-up or relationship: what's the difference? I want both.
72. Trouble maker or hesitant: Neither. Again, I am both but I'm less hesitant in doing things. I don't like slow decision maker.

HAVE YOU EVER:
73. Kissed a stranger: Nope. I don't want to kiss a stranger anyway, weird.
74. Drank hard liquor: Nope. Maximum: 5% vodka and cocktails.
75. Lost glasses/ contacts: Nope. But I can't find them when I take them off.
76. Sex on first date: Nope. I want sex to be affectionate, errrrr.... I mean not just sex for sex but for love.
77. Broke someone's heart: Nope, supposedly.
78. Had your own heart broken: Forever.
79. Been arrested: Yes, unexpectedly.
80. Turn someone down: Yes.
81. Cried when someone died: Cried like running tap.
82. Fallen for a friend: Yes. It started from mere friendship right?

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
83. Yourself: Yes, because I don't know who else to believe in.
84. Miracles: No. I believe miracles can happen on other but never happen to me. WAIT, isn't slimming down that much is a miracle to me?!
85. Love at first sight: Yes but that's not really love. Erm... I should say "stalk at first sight".
86. Heaven: Yes, but I prefer to be in the world we live in. *heaven have different meanings in different religion.
87. Santa Claus: No.
88. Kiss on the first date: It's like sex on the first date. I want kiss to be affectionate not just mere kissing.
89. Angels: No.

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
90. Had more than 1 girlfriend/boyfriend at a time: Nope.
91. Did you sing today: Yes.
92. Ever cheated on somebody: I pranked.
93. If you could go back in time, how far would you go: To the beginning so that I can restart everything living as a different individual.
94. If you could pick a day from last year and relieve it, what would it be: That day I decided to transfer. More extra things happened than you can imagine.
95. Are you afraid of falling in love: Yes. I longed but I'm afraid. Because the same story line repeat and it hurts.

It's the way, not the maturity.

Not everything can be solved easily as you thought. I don't want to leave things undone and continue my life. Sometimes I just need to solve them out and make myself clear about what I should do next. My life is not a mess. Everyone deal things differently so you can't completely use your theory to apply on my problem.

I'm just a bit vulnerable and unable to stand up easily and quickly. Don't be pushy to me. I don't like it. Give me some time and some air. What really happened isn't as easy as it seems. So, be patient to me, listen to whatever I want to tell, give suitable and moderate suggestions and most importantly, respect me, not judge me.

A second is more than enough to cause a huge wound but the time has never been enough for the wound to heal.

It's not easy, really.

是因为我很怕，所以才装得很强悍，不然我就真的倒下了。

是因为我真的很怕，所以我才笑得很大声，这样才能掩饰我哽咽的一面。

是因为心里面真的很寂寞，所以才一直跟自己讲话，虚拟的朋友也好，至少有个人陪。

虽然习惯了，但心里还是会不好过的。

就假装我是乐观的人好吗？ 。。。我不是吗？

Motivation

I don't have the mood to start revision. I just don't feel like revising any subject...

T.T

So many things wandering around me...

I feel like puking... *especially after watching a small part of  "Human Centipede"... I rather do dissection... OMG, why everything's so gross?!

小时候     常常望着窗外的天空
幻想长大以后     能实现从前作过的美梦
长大后发现世界真的不同
不知该要往哪走     还是停在原地一动也不动
我无力再逃脱     眼看着时间溜走     想回到小时候
I wanna stay     or stay away
I wanna stay     最真最美丽的童年




Fail in searching a right shoulder to lean on...
Forever alone, B.

I'm not really good at acting.

You give reasons. What else can I say? Act like nothing happen again.

Cheers, they completely forget about you. Be forever alone, B.

这第一名到底要多强     到底还要过多少关
可不可以不要这个奖    我当我自己的裁判

These lines actually mean a lot to me. Not actually about pride but the whole life. Keep chasing for nothing, feeling tired for nothing, getting judged by others and still chasing.

Fate, why you so like that?

结果却拿不到半个奖   不知道该笑不笑
我对着镜头傻笑    只觉得自己可笑


It's ok baby please don't cry.

Red colour is exposed.

This is supposedly to be kept to myself only, but I accidentally overexposed myself.

Not a big deal but a huge deal revealing a big clue about red colour.

Seriously, overexposed, shoot me die someone.

Seriously, idk what's happening recently...

Seriously, I must do something...

Seriously, wake up.

Seriously, dead.

But the real red colour is almost impossible to be guessed. No one have any clue. Shit I've mentioned red colour once to someone. KILL ME!!! 

Can I rewind and shut my mouth up?! =X

hypnotizing myself: PLEASE KEEP IT TO YOURSELF BITCH!!!

Unless I found someone who can accept this thing, it's ridiculous and not everyone can afford to know this.

*breathe*

Nobody is going to have any clue about who is my red colour unless someone remembered my secret code while I was doing this test. And I know no one would. Secret survived.

题外话：

- 其实我很在意，很在意，很在意。

- 就是因为在意我才不想问，我不想又犯下另一个错误。

- 我已经不知道要怎样反应了，就只好一直这样装下去，假装着没事，也许很久以后就真的没事了。

- 就这样的一直陷下去很久了你们知道吗？

- 该注意到的人就一直没留意，写了也没用。

- 很久了，不是说放下就放下的。

- 我还以为是真的一生一世，我还以为友谊历久一样浓，因为我一直在以为。

- 是真的失去了吗？

- 我们都长大了。

- 想向谁说，却一直开不了口，也找不出开口的原因，就一直埋着，等它爆发/消失。

- 原来真的可以因为这样而隔得很远。

- 试了很多方法，开心还开心，该伤心时却怎样都开心不起来。

- 为什么只能年少无猜，就这么老了那么一点，就不qualify了吗？

- 力不从心地开心中，力不从心地搞笑中。

- 你解过一次的心结就算了吗？你医过一次的心病就算了吗？

- 那是我们都回不去的从前。

- 真的不是说要笑就笑的，我乐观，但不代表我不会伤心，更何况这不是小事，更因为开心和伤心是两回事。

- 长大了真的不一样。

就一口气在这里写完吧，读到的人就读到，读不到的人就读不到，也不想很故意让人读到，就只是很难掩情绪的写了。

有人听听我说就好了。。。

也因为这些事，我什么不开心的事都不想说 。。。

cheer...

管他什么音乐听了就有蠢蠢欲动的感觉！

It's coming back

Yeah, I looked happy but I'm not totally that happy.

Currently listening to f(x)'s ballad song, a better atmosphere to write a clarification post.

Hmmm... Where should I start???

After MUET, everyone's like doing homework, sleeping, talking during MUET period. So that day teacher gave us the reading paper's answer. I was a bit sad because I got so many wrong...

After that, we all were like so free then I asked how to write Q2. Then she said we find this topic difficult because all of us don't have friends, what we have is just classmate. We just see each other at school without understanding each other.

... which is quite true.

Everyone's like chasing what they want without looking back.

I don't know how to describe but finding myself lost in study. Yes you see me online you see me crazy for f(x) but do you see any passion in me? That's the way we are I'm trained. Study, relax, entertainment, study.

You maybe going Gurney with your friends watching movies, drinking Starbucks. But what's real friendship? Do friendship build in the mall? Do friendship build in facebook? They do help in improving relationships but is that what we do to have real friends? I don't know. I'm unable to judge, too childish-minded to judge.

So I am unable to handle my emotions and feelings then I wrote that friendship post.

I'm so angry with those "friends" but am I reacting the same to others???

What if the "gemstone" who I cherished hate me???

I don't know. It's always unknown after unknown and you'll never find the answer.

That's why I'm a weirdo. Hypersensitive mind, triggered even when there's no stimulus.

*breathe*

p/s: Dissecting rat tomorrow but I'm still awake...
p/p/s: You're so whatever but I care shit load. It's coming back.

It's not good

Just went GH as requested and they said my blood got some problem. I don't know how can I react and my feeling is so numb right now. I can't really hold my tears and it scrolled down my cheek just now, in school, in the fucking corridor, and everyone fucking saw me crying.... pffftttt...

Some blood sample was taken and the result will be out after 3 weeks.

*the doctor some more asked me got husband/boyf or not.... SEE MY PATHETIC FACE YOU ALSO KNOW I DON'T HAVE LAH!


by the way.......................... TEASER IS OUT AND I COMPLETELY FORGET THE PAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!


WOAH WOAH WOAH WOAH!!!! I JUST CAN'T CALM MY ASS DOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

杰伦明白我就好

我难过却不是因为没得奖而难过

我失落是因为看到外婆失落而失落

大人们根本不能体会表哥他的用心

好像随他们高兴就可以彻底的否定

否定我的作品决定在于心情

想坚持风格他们却觉得还欧颗

没惊喜没有改变我已经听了三年

我告诉外婆我没输不需要改变

表哥说不要觉得可惜这只是一场游戏

只要外婆觉得好听那才是一种鼓励

外婆露出了笑容说她以我为荣浅浅的笑容

就让我感到比得奖它还要光荣

--------------------------------------------------------------

黑板是吸收知识的地方只是教室的阳光

那颜色我不太喜欢没有操场的自然

为何比较漂亮的都是在隔壁班

还有考卷的答案我刚好都不会算

没关系    再继续努力    没关系

为什么上课时举手很难 

为什么拿线上宝物简单

为什么女生不喜欢太胖 

为什么别人手机在响

这第一名到底要多强    不用问一定有人向你挑战

到底还要过多少关     不用怕告诉他们谁是男子汉

可不可以不要这个奖     不想问我只想要留一点汗

我当我自己的裁判     不想说选择对手跟要打的仗

我不想就这样一直走

每天都遇上充满敌意那种眼光

等机会就是要打倒对方

这种结果我不要这虚荣的骄傲

这目的很好笑我其实都知道你只是想炫耀

我永远做不到你永远赢不了

我永远做不到你永远赢不了永远赢不了

走鄉下　尋找哪有花香    
坐車廂　朝著南下方向
鳥飛翔　穿過這條小巷    
仔細想　這種生活安詳

Sometimes I just wonder...

是真的吗？

如果你反过头去却又是另一个样，

我怎么办？

总是那么没有安全感...

天蝎女啊~

怎么我的想象力可以那么丰富呢？

可以很fantastic,

也可以很devastating...

就是那么不安...

不要想酱多，专心读书可以吗？

不能。

就是没了那个心机；
就是没了那股动力。
想不到一次的小考竟然可以让我颓成这样。

明明是自己没有读书，
明明是自己懒惰，
偏偏就是要怪在热忱的身上。

是恐惧在作祟。
其实也不知道自己在害怕些什么。
明明就已经不在乎名利与成就，
考虑酱多来做么？

就是一直质疑自己。
就这样一直没有信心。

越是高估自己，越是没有信心。
越是失败，越是懒惰。

决定总是做得太晚，
懂事得太迟，
成熟得太慢。
总是要一直活在后悔下自责。

好像读了太多书，
心已经不知道如何思考了。
当我停下让它思考时，
它却是如此地无动于衷，
动了也走不了。

身边太多对生命走马看花的人了，
连我也忘了如何慢下脚步了。
每当我要停下时，
那只不知道从哪里来的手，
就咻一声，
把我拖走了。

最近想得有点多，
很高兴因为我终于长大了；
很伤心因为我已经没有那么大的冲力了。

其实也不是上不上进的问题，
是我走不同的路了。
那条大道偏偏就没那么吸引了。

反而走走小路，
看看身边的人在做什么，
看看今天的天美不美，
吸一吸能让心活起来的空气，
涂涂鸦，唱唱歌，
更能让我觉得踏实。

想得越多，越没心机读书。
我知道我“应该”努力，
但我看不到原则在那里。
可能又要花个几十天来好好想想，
想到来，
考试又到了，
又靠了烂成绩，
又更没有心机。

万一有一天我真的压抑不住了怎么办？
我应该不会去死，
我应该会。。。
我也不知道。。。
真的不知道。。。

就是要完全看不见，我才能完全的痊愈。

I'm not as lucky as you.

My stitches still hurt when I saw your photos.

I try to hide but technical problem appears.

I am too emotional...

I almost implode

I must write out.

You maybe don't know how it hurts.
You know that I'm in agony?
The way you explained.
Like I'm not important.
Like I'm a pedophile.
Do you know what you are to me?
Do you know how I am shattered?
I really give up.
I know long lasting never exist.

Because that you're special,
simple text hurts the most.

I can't hold my tears the whole day.
Luckily I'm so busy that I forget everything, for a while.
Luckily I went to camp, with disguise that I'm so happy.

I'm really sorry to those committee,
but I'm really tired and shattered,
the part that I can't really hide.

I'm difficult.

I'm tired of dreaming of you

It's you again.
It's YOU again.

The phobia of dreaming.
I don't even dare to look at you, even in my dream.

Why?
Why it has been so long but you are still there?

=[


Man are less interesting to me when those nightmares start. You're like a full stop. You're too perfect that I can't find any other one that is better than you. I did whatever that can distract myself. I failed and I dreamed of you.

I'm not that tired, but you know, it's not easy to handle when my life almost ruin because of this. Practically, it ruined. And I need to start over again, but I'm now back to my old self again. You're no longer the one who I willing to tell my problems. Even till now, I can't find one.

I need a mental rest. What can I do? Half a year I've been like this. I don't want to be like this the next six months. I just need you now, but I can't and I don't allow myself.

The truth is ugly. And when people spread out, it is uglier. It's not rumour, it's the ugly truth that shouldn't be told.

I know I need to work hard

but the forces just don't seem like pushing me any step further.

I cant....

I don't know why they are so childish.

Don't get wrong, sometimes I just blog randomly and mixing all the people in different case in a post.

When sharing become bragging... I really don't know what to do. I'm super talkative and I just can't shut my mouth up. That's not my intention, but people always think that I'm that sort of brag ass.

I read books and I really LEARNED a lot and I started to grow (mentally). Why?! I can't...

I want a "hand-hold-hand" friend.......




How am I going to find a soul mate like this?!

Fuuuuuuuuu......

Too bad my hair is fugly and I can't get prettier anymore....

I'm so ffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The one very vital second

Even in my dream, I'm finding for you.

The way to get to you was so close. I grabbed this chance preciously. Breathlessly running through the building, hoping you are inside there. I ran story by story, I asked everyone around. I found nothing, not even your sweet smell that I remembered so well.

And the running leaded me into danger and horror. I was then lost in my dream.

I woke up, clearing my mind then sleep again. It was still nightmares. They came one by one, biting every piece of my serenity. The agony ran through every part of my body and also my mind. Like an imprint that won't fade out, I shivered.

This is not a good sign. I shouldn't even look for you. Sigh.

I'm so sorry, I'm not amazing.

------------------------------------------------------

It will be nice if you stay.

You knew my pain.

But I know nothing will change even if you stay.

Stereotyped.

总是等不到你上线。。。