The only one.

the moment when my heart thumps, you're right beside me, rejoiced. from now on, you're my everyday and everything. i don't care if i'm silly, confused or self-conscious as long as i have you, only you.




d'you know what it is? more than what you think. i somehow can't hide all these from the inside. whew, on the outside, i'm so calm.


your bubbly expressions make me love you more. let the time stops and allow me to kiss you secretly. i refused to say goodbye, every single second with you is so precious. i want to be your day, your sunny day, wiping all your tears away cos' you're eyes are what i treasure. i want to be your day whenever you need a cloudy day, i'll stay beside you silently all night long. no matter how the world changes, i'm your day, your favourite day.

absent

cos I woke up at 7.20. and end up sleeping until 2. yay! i didn't quite wasted a day cos that's the time i spent at school... 

maybe it's too... traumatic yesterday. having that sleepless night and that freaking piece i read and a 24 hours starving. hmmm...

okay... i'm rereading that piece. it's not something bad, it's somehow touching but... i just can't hide what i feel. after translated it, i'm totally shattered and i don't know what to feel anymore. first time ever, heart ache is killing.

empty but somehow filled and then spilled.

have i just lost my mind?

-------------------------------------------------------------

point-from-blogging again:

- i am a pro-stalker and i'm only knowing this after like... MONTHS?! 's okay though, i'm not interested in them anyway.

- this two little underage girl, what you trying to do in the same toilet stall eh??? nah.. it's okay cos' kryber go to the same stall too. just to inform, i usually go into toilet on mondays and fridays. just for the mirror. and i don't like people looking at me doing my hair. so yeah. i don't mean to interrupt.

- i finally admitted to the fact that i kept ignoring in the past. to that only person i ever told about this, i hope you keep it. cos' it's... MOMENTOUS! and i don't want to break the bond if the one in the story ever know about this. 

- i want to sing romantically, but my sound is so... rockstar. ish.

- why?! when i want my hair to grow longer, nothing happen. when i want it to be short tidy and always be at its best place not to be like lawn, it groooooooooows... and i need to cut my hair again. *tolerate, tolerate, two more weeks*

好复杂

原来读了以后，我真的真的没有勇气读过第二遍！
到底发生什么事了我？不是没事了吗？怎么会。。。怎么会？！！！！
好痛真的。

心痛又来了，但这次更痛。原来心痛不是说说而已的，我是真的痛的。身体不好了，酱的事也承受不来，不玩了，我要玩emo去。

心真的痛得很彻底的早上。

second.

since I'm not sleeping then I'm writing the second post. everything seems not connected but i somehow connect them together.

second, i don't know, i'm so confused but please don't help me.


totally relevant. everyone is so like that.

• the moment the thumb press on send and you know you'll regret. messages that always kept in draft. i don't even dare. better shut my phone and sleep. i don't know, i'm so confused but please don't help me.
• those freaking peeking isn't helping, go hug him/her. oh no, it hurts. the tiny things that seem so big. oh no, it hurts again. uhm. actually. uhm. just let it go if u're not allowed to hold. i mean, no point right? seriously. i don't know, i'm so confused but please don't help me.
• the very first time idgaf on that moment. but why am i rewinding what you said repeatedly after that? no, i really dgaf. it's so... ... momentous that i don't feel a thing inside but shocked. expected though. still, this is momentous! what?! no no no no. definitely not that sort of stuff. you need to think thoroughly. you still care, at least. i don't know, i'm so confused but please don't help me.
• i'm blurting out almost everything about me but i know nothing about you. but it's not about how much you share right? then what it is about? i don't know, i'm so confused but please don't help me.
• actually... who would help? i won't want to tell anyway.

ending A:  i'm okay really, i'm forgetful and i don't like memorising stuffs. especially sadly sad stuffs. it happens then i emo, emo finish, i smile and carry on. the most important thing: LET ME EMO.

ending B: i'll always be at the same place if you someday, somehow, look back.







updated:
oh shit i ter-read something and almost cry. my heart, physically hurts. of course, it do hurts from the inside. shit shit shit. i don't know, i'm so confused but please don't help me.

first.

compiling my feelings right now. i find it torturing when i can't tell anyone else and i can't blog it. so, here i am easing my pain.

first, friendship or love?

• because that I love you too much, I can only treat you as my friend. so that we can be together forever with no break ups. i cherish you more than "a lot".
• little translation from the perfectly described lyrics.

- can't get close to your heart even though I'm right beside you
- look at you, listen to you, I want to share everything with you.

• I know how you feel and that makes me want to hug you more. give you all the protection and "catch a grenade for you". (random: this line implies that the bruno girl like grenade a lot that she wants to keep it.) but, just... uhh.
• the "protection" - the feeling that i seldom never feel for anyone outside of films.
• I can't do anyway better than your special someone. uhm. this makes it more complicated. 
• i don't even want to be your special someone. 
• just you know, i want to be closer with you. 
• all the efforts, useless.
• seeing you looking at me, yet i can't tell you what i planned, frustrating. 
• the more i care and protect the crystal, the easier it gets cracks and finally break. so i tell myself not to hold too tight, in case the bond breaks.
• i lied too much, just to make sure no one discover but i'm hurting inside. all the secrets almost burst out at once.
• just because i feel reluctant to tell. so every time i was like, okay, so that's it, hmm, i'll be silent, ignore me, enjoy yourself, i know you're happier like this, okay, that's it.

when the line between love and friendship gets blurry, all the confusions make you mad.

this post is close to perfect if the story is more real. anyway. i got it.

out of topic and difficult to understand

- phone missing something that will never be fulfilled.

- that's when i started to doubt, i guess i just care too much.

- it's okay really. uhm... idk actually.

- what's more beside these topics?

- kind of... idk what's happening, wandering in the lost world.

- IDK! fhpafnavhsdflB#%(%&*^^(^$$#WBNJBbsdlkbagdf........

- the vibe! it's in the gene and can't be craved.

bangkok trip photo again.

This is cute and sweet! don't chu think so?

Perfectly described.

너에게 숨겼던 비밀이 있는데 언제쯤 말할 수 있을까
오랫동안 곁에 있었지만 내 맘은 가까이 가지 못했어
너의 일상에 난 어떤 사람인지 가끔은 궁금하기도 해
하지만 나 걱정이 앞서서 맘처럼 너에게 갈 수 없는 걸

그거 아니? 내가 요즘 네 생각에 밤이 길어졌어
쓸데없는 걱정 쓸모없는 바램 괜히 나도 몰래 소심해져
순간순간 마주치는 너의 눈에 내 가슴이 뛴단 말야
어떡해야 하니 나 그냥 이대로 널 좋아해도 되나요

멀리서 비춰진 우리의 거리는 잴 수 없을 만큼 좁은데
오늘도 나 네 옆에 설 때면 아쉬운 공기가 느껴지는 걸

그거 아니? 내가 요즘 네 생각에 밤이 길어졌어
쓸데없는 걱정 쓸모없는 바램 괜히 나도 몰래 소심해져
순간순간 마주치는 너의 눈에 내 가슴이 뛴단 말야
어떡해야 하니 나 그냥 이대로 널 좋아해도 되나요

시간이 갈수록 더 뭔지 모를 사이에 마음만 복잡해져
너의 슬픈 눈빛에 내가 들어갈 수는 없나요

보고 싶어 듣고 싶어 내 맘 나누고 싶어

고갤 돌려 나를 봐봐 난 항상 가까이에 있는데
언제쯤 내 맘을 들을 수 있을까 가끔씩은 혼자 울기도 해
순간순간 느껴지는 너의 상처에 나도 아프단 말야
언제쯤 닿을까 내 맘이 닿을까 나 좋아하고 있는데

Every single line means so much!

*I gave up posting on tumblr because of the error and my mood is gone, so I replaced it with lyrics.

slight notes to someone.

i like how you go silence when i blurted out the truth even knowing that you won't feel guilty. but knowing that you know what i knew is good. at least you won't be oh-so-innocent.

sometimes i tell myself to appreciate what i have. but, i don't have a lot to appreciate. like, what for appreciate when i'm just shiz in your eyes. how am i gonna cherish you when my importance is just blab?

you look fine on the outside, but inside? nah, you're rotting.

don't expect me to reply when you don't freaking care and you act like you are. plastic.

stop talking shiz about me being so sadistic. you know nothing. i am expressing not suppressing at least. suppressing yourself is the silent killer. and, i can't just act as if nothing happen. Facing reality is a basic respect to the inside-me.

---------------------------------------------------------------

you'll never know how i longed for your messages. once my phone rang, i pray that it's you. but you know what? it's never gonna be you, somehow.

i used to fall in love have crushes easily. even thought i'm still such a fangirl/fanboy, but the old me is not there anymore. i love the current fangirl/fanboy me, at least having crushes in this way won't hurt a lot. and, i know, you're more than mere crush. so far and so near and got me breathless.

leave me alone if you don't have the intention to care. it's better that you hurt me immediately than hurt me secretly. you know what i mean? false hope. stop giving me those, i've had it enough.

其实我很怕醒来以后什么都不是...

I ain't perfect.
I don't know.
I'm afraid of losing you.
I'm just sensitive.
I'm just paranoid.
I'm again, afraid.

The insecurity, the habit. I'm overcoming the fear.

I don’t wanna be in love alone, wanna give you my heart but you can’t be playing cause I don’t wanna be in love alone.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Shoot me die. Chemistry zero revision - 18 Chapters, Biology -  basically 10 Chapters.

Why is it so hard for me to concentrate when everything's resolved and I'm slimming down? fml.

I shall finish all these in 4 days time considering I need to celebrate Wesak Day. YESH!

And, considering I'm hell sick. Strep throat again, running speeding noses at the same time. So, I believe that it's bacteria de-motivated me. Sleepy after taking pills, too tired of blowing my nose, too weak to function my brain. FFUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!

I just feel like taking in all the pills hoping that I'll recover faster. yea... suiciding in another way.

*hmm.... What if I suicide one day and all the internet people find out my blog and sheeezzzz, gone my privacy! Like what if they find out who's all those akhem I mentioned? What if they find out that I'm a serious bitch, pedophile, pervert at the same time? I must not suicide!

MY EPIC PERVERT/PEDOPHILE MOMENT:

Thank you.

If the sun shuts down and decided not to shine no more, I would still have you.
If we see the last day and they say we gotta go to war, I’ll be fighting with you.
Cause I know if I’m falling, you won’t let me hit the ground.
If the boat is sinking , I know you won’t let me drown.
No matter what anyone could say, this is the only place for me and no one could ever take that away.
Because it’s us against the world the world.
Now if I’m lost at sea seven days, I’m not alone if I’m holding you.
And if it all end’s everybody in the world is gone, I’ll be standing with you.

More than words can describe. Thank you really. I just feel like crying, no, practically crying.

-------------------------------------------

=)

Really, I swear, seriously, not going to be sad over the same damn thing again. 

What's shattered, let it be, stay there, don't move, I don't want to pick up, I'll grow a new heart okay?

I just need to carry on and study hard.

I just need to be happy and strong to prove that I'm really okay.

I just need to be slimmer to prove that I'm pretty and confident. LOL.

Thanks to everyone who comfort me. My bad to make everyone worry. I'll be fine from now on. I will not move on but jump off. YAY!

Sometimes I just wonder...

是真的吗？

如果你反过头去却又是另一个样，

我怎么办？

总是那么没有安全感...

天蝎女啊~

怎么我的想象力可以那么丰富呢？

可以很fantastic,

也可以很devastating...

就是那么不安...