Looking for the sun, or the moon.

54 days.
I find the courage to write this because I think I've overcome the problem now.


Depression.

I can only conclude what happened to me was depression. The lowest point in my life. How bad can things happen? This bad.

Tears.

So helpless, so helpless. There's no one for me to lean on, no one I can tell my thoughts face to face. I was so alone, eaten up by bad thoughts. I cried hard, and loud. I stopped to take breaths, then I start crying all over again. Yet, I was still alone. Helpless.

Anger.

I've never been so angry before. The anger bugged me so much that I feel itch crawling all over me. Headache, dizzy, shivers, everything. I was taken over. And the anger can't contain itself anymore, then I did something horrible. The pain, the adrenaline rush, the blood. I thought doing so will ease the anger. Everything seems to collapse but brought back to place at one moment, but then they still end up falling apart. And I did it again and again. Breathing very hard, still feeling almost suffocated. I shivered and then I cried again. Collapsed. No one would hear me. I just want to leave this place. I was also afraid of telling other people of what I've done. This was too insane to be accepted by anyone. 

I can't count how many times I've hurt myself, but the scars are here, on my hands, reminding me of never going back again. It's scary that I can do that with my bare hands.


Anxiety.
I had panic attack. It was horrible. Short of breath, shivering, things I never imagined of happening all at once. And then I fled. And finally I cried again.

Lies.

How well can you make lies look real? I can never trust people anymore. The built up story. I hate lies, even white lies. Trust? No, no more! You're using my weakness for me to believe your lies. That sickens me a lot.

Home.

The place where I can appreciate more now. Because it's nearly hell here for the past few weeks.

I can't handle all this yet, I know. All I can do is keep telling myself to be calm and trying bit by bit to fix my emotions so that I can slowly walk out of that dark side. I hope I wouldn't have to walk through that same path again, for it was painful and scary. Luckily, everything is now in place.

p/s: I really blame the pill I was taking during that time. It's side effect was too scary. I would rather live a happy life than a perfect face. Plus, it didn't cure my pimples at all. Curse you!